Sleepless

I'll be living in the future, for quite a long while.
It's only with you the present seems worth recognition.
When reality is happier than dreams.

Long Sleeves

It was the first time in a long time.
I'm so sorry.
I just need you now.
And you're not here.
But I'm sorry for what I did.

Panic

I need you now.
But you're not here.
And there's no answer on the phone.
Please, Kaitlyn.
I need you now.

Her + Me

Take me home,
And make me yours.
Don't let me go.

I never knew I could feel this much and nothing at once.
Infinitely, that's what it comes back to.
I love you, I love you.
That's what it comes back to.

Translucency

I drove by in my brother's car after school.
Right past you.
I waved but you didn't see.
Translucent.
Because you were hugging Genna around the waist.
And i realized it could be me.
If I had not been so stupid.
If I wasn't so fucking pathetic.
If I could be strong enough to be free like you.
Maybe if I was solid and not translucent, it could be me.

I Hate That I Was Wrong

It kinda sucks when they were right.
No, it really hurts actually.
Cause I stood up for you.
I told them, no she promised.
She won't hurt me anymore like that.
They said you would.
Cause it's how you want to live.
I guess I just have to accept it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live.
I refuse to be that girl, for anyone.
But I really thought...
Well, I guess it doesn't matter what I thought.
Cause I'd never have the guts to tell you anyway.
I could never say it to your face.
And watch you storm away.
I love you too much to be too honest.
To ruin the only thing that makes me happy.

Truths

hands are for holding
and hips are for grinding
and eyes, eyes are for finding
the one girl
who makes life worth living
and the air worth breathing
and my heart worth beating

Look For Me, Search Harder

I wanna be your rum.
I wanna be your cigarettes.
I wanna be your Genna.
I wanna be your Britanny.
I wanna be your Chris.
I wanna be your Crista.

But most of all I wanna be yours forever.
I want you to hold me.
Please, baby.
Save me.

I Wish It Was Me

I wish it was me.
I wish it was me.
I wish it was me.

That you called amazing.
That you dream about.

I wish it was me.

But I know I'll never be enough.

Oh, baby, baby

I need you.
Right now.

Absence

I am entitled to a breakdown.
Crying is useless.
But, Kaitlyn, I'm not that strong.
I used to be.
But in the past month, I've been shattered.
You don't understand.
I've had things said to me, things I can't repeat.
Not because they're inappropriate.
I've been through more than you know.
There are things I haven't been able to tell you,
Because it hurts too bad.
And I don't want to see that look of pity on your face.
I don't want you to run away when you realized how broken I am.
How scarred I will always be.
Just know that when I call you crying on the phone,
I'm just looking for you to make it better.
And when I realize you can't I get angry.
And after you hang up,
That when pain really starts.
You have never experienced me when I'm rock bottom.
When my parents make me sit with them because they're afraid of me,
Afraid of me taking myself where they can't follow.
I can't live like this.
Where I have no one on my side.
Cause you can't be there.
Where I flinch everytime a door opens,
because I've been attacked one too many times,
There's this thing inside of me.
A huge black cloud.
That always wants to come out and wrap me in its shrouds.
Please don't let it.
Please.
I'm scared Kaitlyn.
You don't know how lucky you are.
How much I'd give to be happy like you.
I never thought I'd be the bleeding boy on the ground.
But that's what I am.
I've been kicked so much, I want to go numb.
I want to stop feeling.
It'd be so easy.
So, please.
I'm trying really hard, okay?
I'm trying to make it out alive for you.
And I do it for you.
I wasn't made to be this broken.
I wasn't supposed to carry these scars,
That's the price I pay for you.
And I'm sorry if every once in a awhile I give myself over,
To that black cloud.
I'm sorry if I can't be strong enough to take this on with no tears.
I'm trying.
To be brave for you.
I'm scared that when this is over,
there might not be much of me left.
Just be there for me.
Please, just be there for me.
I'm most scared,
Of having to do this alone.

sometimes

When you don't stand on the floor,
you fall through the air.

Sometimes.
When little people live in glass houses.
They aren't strong enough to carry stones.
So they use toy guns.

The Only Person who makes Me Happy Is The Only One Who Can Make Me This Sad

I hate being right.
My dad's been gushing blood for hours in the kitchen,
and all I'm worried about is, I just realized,
I was always right.

Please.
Don't ever say the words I love you more.
Cause now you know it's not true.

I'd die for you.
I'm going to leave my home, my favorite places for you.
I sacrificed everything for you.
Just so we can hold hands in public.

I was sad before.
I told you.

I would take you back after everything.
After anything.
You know I have zero self control.
That when it comes to you, I'd rather die.

I will never leave you.
And that is where we differ.

Cause I would do it.
And I will.

Once upon a time you said you'd do anything to me I wanted.
Anything for me I wanted.

Kaitlyn, I will never leave you.
Forever means forever to me.

It just hurts to know that what I was afraid of,
It just too real.

I love you forver.
Kaitlyn.
There is no me after you.
That is the end of me.
When you leave.

You're Killing Me

You would do it.
You would forget me.
You'd love her.
You'd fuck him.
Cause they're much hotter.
And so much better than me in your eyes
More defined in society.
By the way they dress and wear their hair.

You would do it.

And you would leave.
To forget about me.

At that moment, you won't love me.
And you never have.

You'd come back.
And I'd want to take you in my arms.
But, hon.
Just know that I won't.

That's not me.
Even when I'm out of it,
Due to substance,
All I could talk about was you.
I only wanted to talk to you.
I wouldn't dream of touching anyone else.
No matter how famous they are.
No matter how good looking.
No matter what the charmer says.

A half hour.
I cried.
Cause I was convinced,
That was it.
Call ended.
Life over.

Being rational was never one of my strongsuits.

So, my raven.
The minute your fingers touch her skin.
The second your mouth send shivers up his spine.
I hope my face comes to mind.
I hope you wonder what it will look like,
Drained of blood.
Blank eyes open.
Lifeless.

With every word.
And every touch.
You're killing me.

We Lost. I Won.

We want dreaming to be of dreams
But we can't seem to get the sick pleasure of reality
out of our heads.

Sleep is not healing me.
It's just morphine.

Which is why I can't close my paper thin lids.
Because I don't want to.
Lie down, masochist, and think about your life.

At The End of The Tunnel

Those sixty seconds,
and being in your arms again,
make all the tears,
and all the shaking,
worth it.

Feeling your lips against mine,
I know we can get away.

Cause, baby,
you're all I'll ever need.
And you will be mine.
Forever.

You can carry me.

Get away.

And I will carry you.

Kaitlyn, I will never leave you.

Heroine

I love you enough to come out to everyone.
Including my soccer team.
Wow.
That was pretty scary.
But already there's people telling me I'm amazing.
It feels good to be brave.

When I said I felt the same way I jumped off a cliff.
I just hit the surface of the water.
Now I finally get see what everyones talking about.
The unkown.

I am heroine.
A savior, the main character of this novel we call life.
And you need me.
I am a drug.
I am the addiction everyones told you about.
I am heroine.

Black Birds Die Ugly

Cause I'm even less than second best.
And I don't like being me.

Delicious

They say they don't believe.
But then they will fall.
Way deep down.
Cascading into a pit.
Walled in red.
Painted over with black.
Pierced with pricks of light that blind you just long enough.
Just long enough to forget.
Forget the red walls.
The black paint.
And the fact that there is a world.
There is a perverted, apathetic world.
That doesn't care.
What's one more head of blond hair?
What's one more set of dull blue eyes?
What's one more tragedy?
Who wants to think about it?
Who has time?
Am I the only who thinks about the evening death toll victims on the news.
That realizes these were mothers, and girlfriends, and lovers.
Brothers, daughters, best friends.
It could be me.
And if our lives hadn't intersected.
You would hear my name counted among the dead.
And you wouldn't even flinch.
You wouldn't even think about it twice.
I was a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister,a best friend.
I had a life.
I had feelings.
I have no life.
I have no feelings.
I drift in a void of blackness.
And you hear my name.
The obligated remember.
The uninvolved don't acknowledge.
And you walk on free.

My lips kiss those of an unwanted warrior bleeding on the green.
In the commons of Rome.
I hold the hand of a girl lost in an alley in New York.
The man pulls up his pants.
He walks free.

And I bleed.

I can never shrug off the weight.
I will never escape the pressure.
I will always be this.
This thing.
Not even human.
Cause I haven't mastered the brusqueness.
Haven't found the ability to turn to stone.
With a touch of your finger tips,
I crumble.
I'm just waiting for you to start your dusting.
Cause you couldn't possibly want me.
Why would anyone?
I have nothing.
I will always have nothing.
I will always be nothing.
It's only a matter of time.
Before you figure it out.
That I'm just not it.
Then I will choose a method.
And take on a new lable of victim.
Dead.

questions

Do you really believe that?
That'd I'd let you disappear for four years?
That I'd be able to stay away for that long?
That I'm under my parents control?

I was under the impression that we were in love.
Love with no boundaries.
Am I wrong?

I love you enough to give up one future, one I had my eyes my whole life.
I love you enough to put off formal education indefinietly.
To not have the career I want.
But that's okay.
I get you in return.

But let me ask this.
Would you do it for me?
To be with me.
Would you sacrfice everything you wanted?
Am I enough?

Do I love you more?
Am I willing to give more than I could hope to recieve?

Burn Your Eyes Out

I will forever be running.
Towards you.
I'd go miles just to see you for minutes.
And they slip through our fingers.
Unbidden, and uwillingly we are lost to the world.
And it overtakes us, but does not take us.

You are more.
More than anything.
More than everything.

Most people close there eyes when they're staring at the sun.
I've found glaring with mine open wide,
is oh so much more fun.

"I'll Have To Spend My Whole Life Wondering Whether I'm Truly Loved, Or Whether I've Just Been Settled For."

Everything hurts.
And I'm not talking about physicality.
It hurts.
That you'll never be happy.
Ever.
When I try as hard as I can.
When you make me so happy.
That you'll always want more.
Than me.
That you've always wanted what you can't have.
And now you have me.
You'll always have me.
And there you go.
You've got me.
It feels like only a matter of time before you get bored.
Before you want more.
I love you.
There is no more for me.
And when you find what your looking for,
I hope I'm still in the picture.
Convince I'm wrong, babe. Please.
But don't watse your time on lies.

We'll Always Be We, Never I

You have no idea how much it meant to me today
Babe, you are one in a million
You make me, made me so happy.
I want to be with you forever.

Crave

Alone.
Definition: not with you.
When I'm alone.
All that's running through my head,
Is this is nice. (or not so nice)
But I just want to be with my girlfriend.
When I'm with you,
All that's running through my head is
Please let this never end.

Unkissed lips.
Grindless hips.
We miss you.
Me and my lonely hands.

There's Only One

Kaitlyn, you make me so happy.
You make me feel like I have a purpose.
I was so completely lost and useless before.
And now I feel like I've found all I'm looking for.

Babe, you make me feel like nothing else matters.
Cause nothing can compare to you.

I love you.
Three words don't seem big enough.

Steam

I love you.
I'm sorry if I made you angry.
I was listening to your every word.
I just didn't have input.
Your voice calms me sometimes.
I bet you didn't know..
Half the time when I call you it's cause somethings wrong.
Half the time when you say hello, it's hard for me to talk.
Cause tears are running down my face.
And as soon as you start talking I feel fine.
I'm so sorry babe.
I love you.
I don't want you to be angry.
I look forward to tomorrow when we can sleep together.
Cause I really love that.

Kaitlyn, nothing matters more to me than you.

Only For You

I understand where you're coming from.
But how could you even think that?
Embarrassed?
Of course not.
I could care less what society, people in general think.

Why haven't I come out more people?
Cause there's no one to tell..
I don't share my thoughts and feelings with people I don't care about.
I would tell Taylor if we were still close...
I told Carly because she's my closest friends after you.
After that, theres...

My team.
The reason I'm scared.
That's why.
I'd be basically kicked out.
And they own a part of me.
I have a responsibility to them.
They're my family, babe.
I go through so much with them.
Some of the people on my team.
Are the closest friends I will ever have.
I've know them for my whole life.
We grew up together.
I'm scared that these people I depend on,
Will take off running when they find out.

As I write this,
I hate myself.
I know these sound like pathetic, and insuffiecient reasons.
I'm scared to do this.
But I will.
Because you're worth it.
Please, babe .
Just give me time.
I can do this.

Rambling Is What Made Novels

I want a cold sore.
Right now.
It's not as if I haven't already been exposed.

Matt's story made me horny.
I'm broken vs. Please Fix Me.
Read it.
There's nothing liked slash written by a guy.

Love.Sugar.Babe.Baby.
You should call me that out loud.
I like it.
I like you.
I love you.

This was unworthy of a blog post but whatever.

Toe Nails to Hair Folicles

If you were scary as hell.
Unmedicated.
Ugly.
Insecure.
Mean.
Unfriendly.

As long as you let me in.

Kaitlyn, I'd love you always.
It's not something I can control.

[Un]Silent Plea

Please.
Whisper that you love me.
That you'll never leave me.
That I'm more than enough.
That I'm beautiful.
That you do care.

Now stop rolling your eyes at this.
And wipe that smile off.
And stop comparing me to your other friends.
If you think I'm kidding.
You are sadly mistaken.

I need you, Kaitlyn.
How much do you need me?

Whatever

I am insecure.
Whether you like it or not.
And you don't exactly help
By feeding on it.
I am a girl.
I can take physical pain.
To the highest extent.
And I don't care what anyone thinks about me.
But in this iron hard shell.
There's weak spots.
Things I care about.
And you are the weakest spot of all.
You should be glad,
If I said I didn't believe you.
It would mean I didn't care.
I only do this because maybe it would give you insight.
That's not true, though.
I would delete all this.
Except I'm too lazy to move it.
And I need somewhere to vent.
I regret ever shwoing it to you.
Yup I did have to write a highly emotional entry right now.
Maybe you won't bother to look since I told you I was deleteling this.
Not all of us have the ability to not care.
Not everyone believes in themself as much as you do.
I have almost zero real confidence.
Except on the soccer field.

Everyone expects me to go far.
I expect to fail.
It's not fair that you're perfectly calm right now.
And I'm.... like this.
So be gentle.
As someone once said, I'm already broken.

And whiny, and needy, and bitchy, and depressed.

Sorry I'm not good enough for you.

Nothing Else

"When you're with her you loose all priorities and sense of time. It's like you have to squeeze every moment of being with her and loose track of everything."

Wow, mom. You've never been so right.
When I'm with you I think of nothing else.
And you are my everything.

Which can inconvienint for my feet and my back and my mom.

Enough

So now you know.
Subtly I revealed it.
My greatest fear is
Not being good enough.

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not being the best.

I don't fear that you will ever think there's something wrong with me.
I'm just scared I won't be enough.
That you'll find someone who's more than enough.

You'll ask for permission you say.
But if oppurtunity comes you'll take it,
And if you did ask.
My head would be telling me say yes to make you happy.
My heart would be screaming no.
But it's my fault if I'm just not enough.

There's no music.
No words to fill this void tonight.

Sorry for not being strong enough.

Bring on the dream.
If we are ever sleeping together.
And I randomly try to get as close to you as possible.
It's because of this dream.
Adn it's not the being alone part of the dream that scares me.

Torture Tastes Like Distance

Well, that was torture.
It's not fair.
That I can't kiss you whenever I want to.
It's not fair.

As soon as you leave the car.
The price of happiness beomes very apparent.

I long for summer.
And the freedom it brings.

I long for the time when we can live together.
Always.

Hey, Kaitlyn.
I will never leave you.

Not Close Enough

I am seriously longing for you.
This is how I felt in Salt Lake.
I was laying there trying to go to sleep
When this feeling washed over me
Every inch of me ached
And all I wanted was to hear your voice
And feel you lying next to me.

That's how I feel now.
It hurts.
Guess it's the cost of love.

I just want to be where I belong.
With you.
However corny that sounds.
I want to now.

Tomorrow isn't soon enough.

ILOVEYOU

I'm In Love With You

If you ever wondered what I was thinking.
What I was feeling.
This is it.
This is me.
I wanted to edit this.
And give you only the lovey dovey stuff,
Because some of this is probably mean.
And if it is.
I don't mean any of it.
I'm so sorry if any of this hurts.
I was mostly talking to myself.
You have made me so happy.
Happy enough to overcome any of this stuff.
I love you so much.
I just feel like typing that over and over.
I'm in a lovey mood.

I love you so much.
More than you know.
It physically and emotionally ached
When you walked away from my house.
I watched you, you know.
Creepy.

I just want to gon on forever about how much I love you.
How I never want to leave you.
How I want you to never leave me.
How the touch of your lips and hands and tongue
Drives me insane with pleasure.
How my every reaction to you is so honest.
My body and mind are addicted to you and yours.
"You're exactly my brand of heroine."
Yes I did just quote Twiight from memory.

Opening up to you.
Letting myself fall in love with you,
Was the best decision I ever made.

I wish these words were enough to make up
For my lack of prescence.
As you are reading I am thinkg about you.
I always am.
It's almost scary how I can't think of anything else.
Or anyone.

I miss you..
I want you.
I love you so much it hurts.
More than that.
I'm in love with you.

There's blood on my hands.
Because I ripped out my heart.
And gave it away.
I don't want it back.
But I'm glad I have yours to keep my blood flowing.

Broken

You're right.
I am broken.
We're all broken.
But not everyone is scarred.

I love you.

Happiness Comes With Blue Ribbons

You just left.
Last night an this morning were good.
I'm glad you came.
I'm glad I didn't call.
To cancel.

I just read your post.
From three days ago.
Babe.
I know you want to leave this place.
And so do I.
But not forvever.
I know you want to be something great.
Something better.
I don't want to be great.
I just want stability.
Eventually.

I've decided I want to be a doctor.
Or a surgeon.
Or a writer.
I want to save people.
Medically.
Or otherwise.

But this will all change by the end of the month.

I think we need to go on one of those trips.
The ones where you go to Europe.
And you hop from country to country.
Living everywhere.
Like in that one book.

I really do not like him.
Even if he's that way with everyone.
Even if I'm a complete hypocrite.

Your my favorite person.

Apologies Are For Fridays

I am so sorry for my conduct on Fridays.
I don't know why I do it.
And I honestly try to be lively.
Try to be happy.
I want to have a good time.
But Friday.
Is when the weight of the week
Becomes too much to bear.

I thrive on mundane, useless taks.
Like filling in vocab lists.
Studying flash cards.
Solving math problems.
Because they are easy.
They are perfectly formatted.
So there is always an answer.
They're always explainable.

That's what monday through Friday is.
And after school ends.
All that is taken away.
And I'm glad.
Because I hate all of it.
And that's what causes my black moods.

And it doesn't help that it was us plus another.
That's when it gets really bad.
Especially because it was Britanny.
It makes me realize.
How un-bubbly a person I am.
You and Britanny are so happy.
While all I can do is watch and try.

Yes, I am jealous of her.

I'm so glad Carly came, though.
For some reason I just needed her there.
She wasn't going to come.
And that really bugged me.
I don't know why.
Usually Iwouldn't care.
But in that particular situation I'm glad she was.

Being closer to you.
And telling her about it.
Made me closer to her.

On Saturday.
If something was wrong.
I wish I could say that
I know you would tell me.
But I can't.
Because you won't.
Why don't you trust me?
I try to explain to you what's wrong with me.
I give you a public version of my wretched homelife.

So why won't you let me take care of you?
You've done it for me.
Even if you didn't know it.
So let me carry you.

I can't help but think.
It had something to do with whoever you called.
Or whoever called you.
Why won't you tell me?
I don't understand your necessity of keeping secrets.
If you asked I'd tell you mine.
Of which there are few.
Because I trust you.
I wish that was reciprocated.
It's hard to give when you don't recieve.

But if it was nothing.
If you were just tired.
Having a "Friday" on Saturday.
I understand.
I know I acted the same way.
And you didn't push it.

I'm sorry for Friday.

All I Want Is Your Envy

Cause you have mine.

I'm sick.
And I didn't go to school.
And I felt guilty.
Until I just called Carly.
Cause I knew you wouldn't answer your phone.
And I heard you laughing in the background.
Congratulations.
Sounds like your having a much better time
Than I had when you weren't there.

Your lucky you're magnetic.
People are drawn to you.
You never have to worry about making friends.

You wouldn't think it.
But I don't care about making friends.
I just gradually come to know people.
Over time.
Or people make friends with me.

Unless I get that feeling.
That he or she is worth it.
And most likely.
I'll know right away.
First time I see them.

Mostly I'm just jealous right now.
Jealous that your talking to someone.
That isn't me.
Jealous that you're laughing with someone.
That isn't me.

I don't tell you.
But I get jealous all the time.
Of everyone.
Of Ariana's boyfriend.
Of Marlena.
Of King.
Of Bridgette.

For your information.
You have a very jealous-type girlfriend.

And sometimes.
I want you feel jealous too.
But you would never admit it.
So it's pretty much a worthless effort.

I'm feeling kind of deserted.
Cause you didn't even ask to talk.
When I called.
So I hope you call me.
I hope.
It kinda sucks that you know I'll call.
But I can never be sure if you will.

I'm whiny.
And despereate.
And needy.

You are definitely dating a girl.

Baby You Can Break Me

You give me what I need.
On most days.
You make me feel needed.
Sometimes.
I know you need me.
As much as I need you.
But I can't help but wishing
You told me more.

Cause every snap.
And every slap.
And ever y yell.
And every blog post.
And every story.
And every update.

I take it all personally.
I believe everything you say.
It's part of the arrogance.
And the insecurity.
I will always assume your talking about me.

So when it comes down to the end.
To rock bottom.
Let the thought of me save you.
Please let me save you, baby.
And not the thought of guilt.
Just thought of no longer lying next to me in bed.
No more caressing.
No more laughing on your bed room floor.
Please let that be enough to keep you breathing.
Cause it's all I live for.

I accept the role of beinga rock.
Something to hold people together.
I always have.
My sister tells me when I'm not at home at night.
My parents fight.
More than usual.
And that's saying something.

You should know.
That if you push me away.
I will try and make you feel guilty about it.
Don't let me.
I can take the pain of you pushing me away.
I think.
But it hurts.
More than anything.

The most important thing to know:
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Forever.

Red for the lovers

White for reality.

I miss her.
But I'm afraid to showit too much.
Affection is weakness.
And need is death.
That's why I act so strange.
That's why I sit seperately sometimes.
Cause I want you to want it.
Want you to want me.
Need you to love me.

I'm lost in a maze.
There's the option of going out the entrance.
Or choosing one of three exists.
But what's over the hedge.
Deepends on how you get out.

I want magic to be real.
I want the happy ending.
I want to be a heroine.

I want a chance.
A chance to be brave.
A chance to be tested.
Tested on the will to live.

Letters are crooked.
Minds out of synch.
Nobody will collide.
So why is there fear of collision?
The fires and bombs and cries of children.
Mock the power of complete obliteration.
Cause that kindness would be oh so sweet.

No more love.
Means no more pain.
No more pain means no more life.
Love is life.
Life is pain.
Love is pain.
Logically, this is correct.
But we have it all wrong.

Those who know can't possibly say.

Colors aren't real. Just a trick of the mind.
That's why black is for joy.
Black and white are all that exist.