Enough

So now you know.
Subtly I revealed it.
My greatest fear is
Not being good enough.

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not being the best.

I don't fear that you will ever think there's something wrong with me.
I'm just scared I won't be enough.
That you'll find someone who's more than enough.

You'll ask for permission you say.
But if oppurtunity comes you'll take it,
And if you did ask.
My head would be telling me say yes to make you happy.
My heart would be screaming no.
But it's my fault if I'm just not enough.

There's no music.
No words to fill this void tonight.

Sorry for not being strong enough.

Bring on the dream.
If we are ever sleeping together.
And I randomly try to get as close to you as possible.
It's because of this dream.
Adn it's not the being alone part of the dream that scares me.

Torture Tastes Like Distance

Well, that was torture.
It's not fair.
That I can't kiss you whenever I want to.
It's not fair.

As soon as you leave the car.
The price of happiness beomes very apparent.

I long for summer.
And the freedom it brings.

I long for the time when we can live together.
Always.

Hey, Kaitlyn.
I will never leave you.

Not Close Enough

I am seriously longing for you.
This is how I felt in Salt Lake.
I was laying there trying to go to sleep
When this feeling washed over me
Every inch of me ached
And all I wanted was to hear your voice
And feel you lying next to me.

That's how I feel now.
It hurts.
Guess it's the cost of love.

I just want to be where I belong.
With you.
However corny that sounds.
I want to now.

Tomorrow isn't soon enough.

ILOVEYOU

I'm In Love With You

If you ever wondered what I was thinking.
What I was feeling.
This is it.
This is me.
I wanted to edit this.
And give you only the lovey dovey stuff,
Because some of this is probably mean.
And if it is.
I don't mean any of it.
I'm so sorry if any of this hurts.
I was mostly talking to myself.
You have made me so happy.
Happy enough to overcome any of this stuff.
I love you so much.
I just feel like typing that over and over.
I'm in a lovey mood.

I love you so much.
More than you know.
It physically and emotionally ached
When you walked away from my house.
I watched you, you know.
Creepy.

I just want to gon on forever about how much I love you.
How I never want to leave you.
How I want you to never leave me.
How the touch of your lips and hands and tongue
Drives me insane with pleasure.
How my every reaction to you is so honest.
My body and mind are addicted to you and yours.
"You're exactly my brand of heroine."
Yes I did just quote Twiight from memory.

Opening up to you.
Letting myself fall in love with you,
Was the best decision I ever made.

I wish these words were enough to make up
For my lack of prescence.
As you are reading I am thinkg about you.
I always am.
It's almost scary how I can't think of anything else.
Or anyone.

I miss you..
I want you.
I love you so much it hurts.
More than that.
I'm in love with you.

There's blood on my hands.
Because I ripped out my heart.
And gave it away.
I don't want it back.
But I'm glad I have yours to keep my blood flowing.

Broken

You're right.
I am broken.
We're all broken.
But not everyone is scarred.

I love you.

Happiness Comes With Blue Ribbons

You just left.
Last night an this morning were good.
I'm glad you came.
I'm glad I didn't call.
To cancel.

I just read your post.
From three days ago.
Babe.
I know you want to leave this place.
And so do I.
But not forvever.
I know you want to be something great.
Something better.
I don't want to be great.
I just want stability.
Eventually.

I've decided I want to be a doctor.
Or a surgeon.
Or a writer.
I want to save people.
Medically.
Or otherwise.

But this will all change by the end of the month.

I think we need to go on one of those trips.
The ones where you go to Europe.
And you hop from country to country.
Living everywhere.
Like in that one book.

I really do not like him.
Even if he's that way with everyone.
Even if I'm a complete hypocrite.

Your my favorite person.

Apologies Are For Fridays

I am so sorry for my conduct on Fridays.
I don't know why I do it.
And I honestly try to be lively.
Try to be happy.
I want to have a good time.
But Friday.
Is when the weight of the week
Becomes too much to bear.

I thrive on mundane, useless taks.
Like filling in vocab lists.
Studying flash cards.
Solving math problems.
Because they are easy.
They are perfectly formatted.
So there is always an answer.
They're always explainable.

That's what monday through Friday is.
And after school ends.
All that is taken away.
And I'm glad.
Because I hate all of it.
And that's what causes my black moods.

And it doesn't help that it was us plus another.
That's when it gets really bad.
Especially because it was Britanny.
It makes me realize.
How un-bubbly a person I am.
You and Britanny are so happy.
While all I can do is watch and try.

Yes, I am jealous of her.

I'm so glad Carly came, though.
For some reason I just needed her there.
She wasn't going to come.
And that really bugged me.
I don't know why.
Usually Iwouldn't care.
But in that particular situation I'm glad she was.

Being closer to you.
And telling her about it.
Made me closer to her.

On Saturday.
If something was wrong.
I wish I could say that
I know you would tell me.
But I can't.
Because you won't.
Why don't you trust me?
I try to explain to you what's wrong with me.
I give you a public version of my wretched homelife.

So why won't you let me take care of you?
You've done it for me.
Even if you didn't know it.
So let me carry you.

I can't help but think.
It had something to do with whoever you called.
Or whoever called you.
Why won't you tell me?
I don't understand your necessity of keeping secrets.
If you asked I'd tell you mine.
Of which there are few.
Because I trust you.
I wish that was reciprocated.
It's hard to give when you don't recieve.

But if it was nothing.
If you were just tired.
Having a "Friday" on Saturday.
I understand.
I know I acted the same way.
And you didn't push it.

I'm sorry for Friday.

All I Want Is Your Envy

Cause you have mine.

I'm sick.
And I didn't go to school.
And I felt guilty.
Until I just called Carly.
Cause I knew you wouldn't answer your phone.
And I heard you laughing in the background.
Congratulations.
Sounds like your having a much better time
Than I had when you weren't there.

Your lucky you're magnetic.
People are drawn to you.
You never have to worry about making friends.

You wouldn't think it.
But I don't care about making friends.
I just gradually come to know people.
Over time.
Or people make friends with me.

Unless I get that feeling.
That he or she is worth it.
And most likely.
I'll know right away.
First time I see them.

Mostly I'm just jealous right now.
Jealous that your talking to someone.
That isn't me.
Jealous that you're laughing with someone.
That isn't me.

I don't tell you.
But I get jealous all the time.
Of everyone.
Of Ariana's boyfriend.
Of Marlena.
Of King.
Of Bridgette.

For your information.
You have a very jealous-type girlfriend.

And sometimes.
I want you feel jealous too.
But you would never admit it.
So it's pretty much a worthless effort.

I'm feeling kind of deserted.
Cause you didn't even ask to talk.
When I called.
So I hope you call me.
I hope.
It kinda sucks that you know I'll call.
But I can never be sure if you will.

I'm whiny.
And despereate.
And needy.

You are definitely dating a girl.

Baby You Can Break Me

You give me what I need.
On most days.
You make me feel needed.
Sometimes.
I know you need me.
As much as I need you.
But I can't help but wishing
You told me more.

Cause every snap.
And every slap.
And ever y yell.
And every blog post.
And every story.
And every update.

I take it all personally.
I believe everything you say.
It's part of the arrogance.
And the insecurity.
I will always assume your talking about me.

So when it comes down to the end.
To rock bottom.
Let the thought of me save you.
Please let me save you, baby.
And not the thought of guilt.
Just thought of no longer lying next to me in bed.
No more caressing.
No more laughing on your bed room floor.
Please let that be enough to keep you breathing.
Cause it's all I live for.

I accept the role of beinga rock.
Something to hold people together.
I always have.
My sister tells me when I'm not at home at night.
My parents fight.
More than usual.
And that's saying something.

You should know.
That if you push me away.
I will try and make you feel guilty about it.
Don't let me.
I can take the pain of you pushing me away.
I think.
But it hurts.
More than anything.

The most important thing to know:
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Forever.

Red for the lovers

White for reality.

I miss her.
But I'm afraid to showit too much.
Affection is weakness.
And need is death.
That's why I act so strange.
That's why I sit seperately sometimes.
Cause I want you to want it.
Want you to want me.
Need you to love me.

I'm lost in a maze.
There's the option of going out the entrance.
Or choosing one of three exists.
But what's over the hedge.
Deepends on how you get out.

I want magic to be real.
I want the happy ending.
I want to be a heroine.

I want a chance.
A chance to be brave.
A chance to be tested.
Tested on the will to live.

Letters are crooked.
Minds out of synch.
Nobody will collide.
So why is there fear of collision?
The fires and bombs and cries of children.
Mock the power of complete obliteration.
Cause that kindness would be oh so sweet.

No more love.
Means no more pain.
No more pain means no more life.
Love is life.
Life is pain.
Love is pain.
Logically, this is correct.
But we have it all wrong.

Those who know can't possibly say.

Colors aren't real. Just a trick of the mind.
That's why black is for joy.
Black and white are all that exist.