Absence

I am entitled to a breakdown.
Crying is useless.
But, Kaitlyn, I'm not that strong.
I used to be.
But in the past month, I've been shattered.
You don't understand.
I've had things said to me, things I can't repeat.
Not because they're inappropriate.
I've been through more than you know.
There are things I haven't been able to tell you,
Because it hurts too bad.
And I don't want to see that look of pity on your face.
I don't want you to run away when you realized how broken I am.
How scarred I will always be.
Just know that when I call you crying on the phone,
I'm just looking for you to make it better.
And when I realize you can't I get angry.
And after you hang up,
That when pain really starts.
You have never experienced me when I'm rock bottom.
When my parents make me sit with them because they're afraid of me,
Afraid of me taking myself where they can't follow.
I can't live like this.
Where I have no one on my side.
Cause you can't be there.
Where I flinch everytime a door opens,
because I've been attacked one too many times,
There's this thing inside of me.
A huge black cloud.
That always wants to come out and wrap me in its shrouds.
Please don't let it.
Please.
I'm scared Kaitlyn.
You don't know how lucky you are.
How much I'd give to be happy like you.
I never thought I'd be the bleeding boy on the ground.
But that's what I am.
I've been kicked so much, I want to go numb.
I want to stop feeling.
It'd be so easy.
So, please.
I'm trying really hard, okay?
I'm trying to make it out alive for you.
And I do it for you.
I wasn't made to be this broken.
I wasn't supposed to carry these scars,
That's the price I pay for you.
And I'm sorry if every once in a awhile I give myself over,
To that black cloud.
I'm sorry if I can't be strong enough to take this on with no tears.
I'm trying.
To be brave for you.
I'm scared that when this is over,
there might not be much of me left.
Just be there for me.
Please, just be there for me.
I'm most scared,
Of having to do this alone.